I’ll never forget the moment my seven-year-old daughter looked up at me with tears streaming down her face and whispered, “Why don’t you like me the way I am?” My heart stopped. I had no idea that my frustrated comments—things I thought were motivating her—were actually breaking her spirit piece by piece. That night changed everything about how I talk to my kids, and honestly, I wish I’d known these things we should never say to a child years earlier.
The Day I Realized My Words Were Hurting My Kid
It was a Tuesday afternoon, homework time, and my patience was thinner than tissue paper. My oldest was struggling with math while her younger sister breezed through hers. Without thinking, I blurted out the comparison that would haunt me for weeks. The look on her face—pure hurt mixed with shame—made me realize I’d crossed a line I didn’t even know existed.
Here’s what no one tells you about parenting: your words stick. Like, really stick. Clinical psychologists who’ve studied hundreds of parent-child relationships confirm that certain phrases can create long-term emotional damage, affecting everything from self-esteem to future relationships. And I was saying them daily without even realizing it.
“You’re Making Me So Angry!”
This was my go-to phrase when things got chaotic. Toys everywhere, fighting over the remote, someone spilled juice on the couch—again. “You’re making me so angry!” I felt justified in the moment. But here’s the brutal truth: when we make our kids responsible for our emotions, we’re handing them way too much power.
Child psychologists explain that this phrase teaches kids they control adult feelings, which can lead to manipulation in future relationships. Yikes. Instead, I learned to own my feelings: “I’m feeling frustrated right now because the toys aren’t picked up. Let’s work together to fix this.” It’s a small shift, but it’s been huge for our household.
If you’re working on managing your own emotions during tough parenting moments, understanding different approaches can really help—learning about soft parenting techniques offers gentler strategies that actually work.
“Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Sister?”
This is the one I said daily. The one that makes me cringe now. Comparing siblings is like pouring gasoline on the fire of sibling rivalry. Every time I said it, I was essentially telling my daughter she wasn’t good enough as herself—that she needed to be someone else to earn my approval.
Research shows that comparison statements damage children’s self-esteem and create feelings of inferiority that can last well into adulthood. Now, when I catch myself about to compare, I stop and focus on individual strengths instead: “I love how creative you are when you solve problems,” or “Your sense of humor always brightens my day.”
“You’re Being So Dramatic”
Guilty. I’ve said this one more times than I can count, usually when my kid was melting down over something that seemed trivial to me—like a broken cracker or the “wrong” color cup. But dismissing a child’s feelings with “you’re being dramatic” teaches them their emotions aren’t valid.
What feels small to us can feel enormous to them. Their brains are still developing emotional regulation skills, and they genuinely need our help navigating big feelings. Now I try to say, “I can tell this feels really big to you right now. I’m here.” This simple validation has reduced our meltdowns by at least half.
For more ideas on keeping kids engaged and happy (which definitely helps with emotional regulation), these beach activities that actually keep kids happy have been lifesavers during tough days.
“I’m So Disappointed In You”
This phrase feels like conditional love to a child. It’s essentially saying, “When you mess up, my love and approval disappear.” I used to say this when my son lied about finishing his homework or when my daughter was rude to her grandmother. I thought I was teaching accountability, but I was actually creating shame.
Shame-based parenting doesn’t work. It makes kids feel like they ARE the problem, not that they HAVE a problem to solve. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics emphasize that children need to know mistakes don’t define their worth. Now I say, “I know you’re capable of making better choices. Let’s talk about what happened and how we can fix it together.”
“You Should Know Better”
Oh, this one. I said it constantly—after spills, fights, forgotten backpacks, you name it. But “you should know better” is essentially shaming language that puts kids on the defensive. Here’s the thing: if they actually knew better and had the impulse control to act on it, they would.
Kids’ brains are still developing, and frankly, as adults, we don’t always act on what we “know” either (hello, late-night doom scrolling). This phrase sends the message that they’re incapable of good decision-making. Instead, I’ve started saying, “Looks like we have a situation here. What can we do to make this right?” This shifts focus from blame to problem-solving.
“Stop Crying” or “You’re Fine”
Confession time: I used to say “you’re fine” approximately 47 times a day. Scraped knee? You’re fine. Hurt feelings? You’re fine. Didn’t get the toy they wanted? You’re FINE. Except… they weren’t fine. They were genuinely upset, and I was dismissing their very real feelings.
When we tell kids to stop crying or insist they’re fine when they’re clearly not, we teach them to suppress emotions rather than process them. This can lead to serious emotional regulation issues later. Now, when my kids are upset, even over something that seems silly, I validate first: “I see you’re upset. That must be frustrating.” It’s amazing how quickly they calm down when they feel heard.
“You’re In Trouble”
This phrase creates fear and defensiveness, making kids worry more about punishment than actually learning from their mistakes. I used to announce “you’re in trouble” like I was a police officer reading rights, thinking it would make them take things seriously. Instead, it just shut down communication.
Child psychologists who’ve studied parent-child dynamics recommend language that opens dialogue instead of closing it. Now I say, “I’d like to talk about what happened,” and suddenly my kids are more willing to be honest and reflective about their choices. It’s not about being soft—it’s about being effective.
The Words I Now Use Instead
After months of working on my language, here’s what’s actually working in our house:
Instead of blame, I use curiosity: “What happened here? Help me understand.”
Instead of comparison, I use celebration: “I love how YOU do things in your own unique way.”
Instead of dismissal, I use validation: “That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”
Instead of shame, I use problem-solving: “Mistakes happen. What can we do differently next time?”
These shifts haven’t made me perfect—I still slip up regularly—but they’ve transformed our family dynamic. And if you’re looking for more ways to connect with your kids through fun and laughter, we love using silly jokes for kids during car rides to reset the mood.
The Mayo Clinic and American Academy of Pediatrics both emphasize that positive communication builds resilience and self-esteem in children while maintaining necessary boundaries. It’s not about being permissive—it’s about being purposeful with our words.
How I’m Breaking The Cycle
Many of us heard these same phrases growing up. Our parents probably heard them from their parents. Breaking generational patterns isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. I’ve started noticing when I’m about to repeat something my mom used to say, and I pause. Sometimes I literally walk away for 30 seconds to reset.
I’ve also apologized to my kids for the harmful things I’ve said in the past. At first, I worried this would undermine my authority, but it’s actually strengthened our relationship. They see me as human, trying my best, and that models accountability for them.
If you’re exploring different approaches to parenting, understanding various parenting styles can help you identify what works best for your family and why certain phrases feel more natural than others.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What should I do if I’ve already said these things to my child?
Apologize sincerely and explain that you’re learning better ways to communicate. Kids are incredibly forgiving, and modeling accountability teaches them it’s okay to make mistakes and grow from them.
2. How can I stop myself from saying harmful things in the heat of the moment?
Create a pause button for yourself—count to five, take deep breaths, or physically walk away briefly. Practice your replacement phrases so they become automatic when you’re stressed.
3. Are there any positive phrases that can actually be harmful?
Yes! Overusing generic praise like “good job” can create praise-dependency. Focus on specific observations instead: “You worked really hard on that puzzle” rather than just “good job.”
4. My partner still uses these phrases. How do I address it?
Share articles or resources during calm moments (not right after an incident). Frame it as “we’re both learning” rather than criticism. Change often starts with one parent modeling better language.
5. How long does it take to change these communication patterns?
Most experts say it takes 30-60 days to form new habits. Be patient with yourself—you’ll slip up, and that’s completely normal. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.